I broke up with the girl I love today. I also patched up with her today. And in between the two events, I cried, got myself a lot of beer, bought a paid subscription of Tinder (even though I hate using that app, even though my girl and I met via that app – and she’s literally the only person I’ve met via Tinder!). And in the end I thought of having a few beers anyway, just as a reward for this exhausting day.
So that brings me to now, moderately drunk and still processing what happened today. God, I love her so much. And I know she loves me too. And we’re SO compatible. So then why did we break up? Well, we didn’t break up. I mean we did. But we didn’t. It’s complicated. She just didn’t want to label us as a relationship (without changing what we have) – she has issues with the label for some reason. Hence she we “broke-up” – after which we wouldn’t be in relationship anymore and we could go back to loving each other without the added pressure.
I thought by breaking up, she meant she didn’t want to be with me anymore. As in, she didn’t love me anymore. But after an afternoon of sulking, self doubt, and a sort-of heated argument, she said “but I love you and I don’t want anything to change”. Which confused me. And also made me understand this isn’t really a breakup, even though it’s just a “breakup” in the traditional sense of the word – in the sense that we won’t be in a relationship anymore, and implied nothing more than that. We still love each other. We’re still exclusive. We’ll still do silly things. We just won’t call ourselves a couple.
Is that weird? Absolutely. But so am I. In SO MANY WAYS. Am I okay with that? Yes! As I said, I love her SO much, giving up on a tag (and maybe some social status along with that) is the least I can do for her. And I know she’s not lying when she says she loves me. And what we have is so amazing, regardless of what we call it.
So what’s my conclusion after it all? Love is hard. And fucking weird. But it can be totally worth it.
A cup of coffee, please? 